“Hi. My name is Ayelet… and I’m a procrastinator.”
“It all started the second I was born and I don’t really understand how I made it here. I’m ready to get better. It’s come to a point where I’m embarrassed because my roommate is a STEM major (loose definition: she has a lot of homework) and I’m always on my bed procrastinating. One morning, on the 97th time Ross said: “We were on a break!” I thought, maybe I need to take a break. Who says Friends can’t teach you valuable life lessons. So, now I’m here.”
In high school, it took me four years to figure out my school’s system and how to get the best grades with the least amount of effort. It makes sense that I had Senioritis; I was cruising by playing the system. But clearly, college is different. So, I present to you: A Rookie’s Guide at How to Stop Procrastinating.
All of us are spending the most amount of money on college in history with pretty low job security and slim chances that Earth will make it long enough for us to excel in any field (not to be a downer or anything). But, as administrators say, “you’re at Tulane,” and that means you are audacious. A good way to get you off your ass is to find motivation. Try to guilt yourself into doing homework. Some tips include reminding yourself of Tulane’s tuition and realizing that in four years we are “fully formed adults” that have to rely on ourselves. Besides, you wasted all of your good outfits on the 81 darties you’ve gone to, so you’re better off just staying in your dorm anyway.
Another tip is to work out. Procrastinating by doing something remotely productive cancels out because of PEMDAS and, therefore, doesn’t technically count as procrastination. Don’t worry, I checked. If you need to spend 9 hours a day at Reily instead of pretending to do work while getting distracted by every Angry Birds notification, even though you haven’t played that game since 2012, so be it. Working out is the ultimate excuse to stop doing homework after writing the APA header on your Psychology paper.
You can also try bringing other people into your problem. I, for one, have established that my roommate is now my mother. Like any daughter, my mom scares me a little bit. The fear tactic works wonders, and making other people hold you accountable is a great way to avoid developing independence skills.
Another effective method is to overdo the procrastination until you get to a point where the stress of school becomes too overbearing and you realize you never want to feel this way again; think aversion therapy. This is a strategy that I would approach with caution. Our prefrontal cortexes are not fully formed yet and the repercussions of our actions could send us on a path to prison (or even the Boot on a Tuesday) but it’s always nice to give new opportunities a try!
We spend too much time on that darn phone and all these memes blaming baby-boomers for the economy are hyping us up to think it’s actually okay to spend 21 hours a day looking at Tasty videos on Facebook. Unless you’re looking at the notes your friend with good handwriting wrote in calculus class, I don’t wanna hear it! iPhones are rotting our brains. Listen to your grandma for once.
The last tactic is one I like to call “I hate myself.” To complete this method you have to prepare by not showering for a few days and getting into bed with no intention of getting out. Once you feel too gross for this world, get up, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat the phrase “do your homework” over and over until it’s night time and you have no other choice than to sit and read about how climate change affects the average color of duvet covers people buy in Uzbekistan.
All jokes aside, college is a crucial time to figure out what you have in mind for your future. After all, the class of 2023 is so selective that there’s a better chance of Tulane becoming a dry campus than to be accepted regular decision. Our intellectual minds need to be put to use. Keep trying to figure out a system that works best for you and who knows, maybe you’ll be the first one to set up a colony on Mars! Just remember to give me some credit when you land your spacecraft. But, if you can’t figure it out, I’ll see you at the next Procrastinators Anonymous meeting. Details to follow… I’ll get to it tomorrow.
Cover Photo: Bianca Falanga