“We live in an era where girls are afraid to shoot their shot.”
After I heard Alex Cooper say this to Sofia Franklin (with anger) on my new favorite podcast, “Call Her Daddy,” I couldn’t get it out of my head. “Call Her Daddy” has this powerful effect on its many listeners, and Alex and Sofia’s mantras and words of encouragement to the #daddygang are contagious. So contagious, in fact, that “Call Her Daddy” is now the 9th most-listened-to podcast on iTunes just behind New York Time’s “The Daily.”
Perhaps this is because Alex and Sofia’s views on sex and relationships are so spot on: oftentimes women are afraid to shoot their shot when pursuing men. But “Call Her Daddy” strives to change this typical power dynamic.
A strange trend that has become popular, and even humorous, in the past few years is for a woman to call her male partner “daddy” during sex: prompting him to take on a powerful and more controlling role. While there is nothing wrong with this, Alex and Sofia want to flip the script by constantly reminding their listeners that women can and should be “daddies” too. Women should make the first move, vocalize what they want, and prioritize their orgasms; women should take charge of their intimate relationships.
So, inspired by this podcast, my own experiences as a single female, and the many conversations that I’ve had with my peers, I have compiled a list of tips on how us women can better take control of our love lives within the impossible-to-navigate hookup culture that we are all inevitably a part of today.
Disclaimer: “Call Her Daddy” is often catered to and based on heteronormative relationships between cis men and women, similar to the relationships that I have engaged in throughout my life. All relationships are different, but I do want to establish that my own positioning in the rest of this article does leave out many groups of people who don’t identify with my gender, sexuality, or experience.
First, slide into those DMs.
When you’re interested in a cute guy that you kind of know from school, going out, or through a mutual friend, hit him with that follow or swipe right and slide right into his DMs. Go after what you want, because waiting for it to magically come to you doesn’t do the trick.
Whether it’s on a dating app, Instagram, or even over text, making the first move is crucial. This lets your potential mate know that you’re interested from the jump, and also shows confidence on your end that you’re not afraid to initiate. But it’s important to keep it simple.
Throw in a compliment, ask a question, or make a joke. If those options intimidate you, go with a simple “hey :)” —it’s the perfect neutral launchpad to start up a more substantive conversation.
What do you have to lose other than being left on read?
Close the deal.
This can be hard when we doubt if the feeling is mutual.
“We’re really close friends and maybe he only sees me as that?”
“We just met and were flirting all night but if he wanted to make a move he would have.”
“I think he’s really cute but I have no idea if he’s down.”
These are all normal things that most people consider from time to time. But I’m tired of this age-old fantasy that if a guy truly wants you he’ll initiate everything and sweep you off your feet, because that rarely happens. The truth is that guys are usually just as, if not more, nervous than you in a flirty situation. Guys also worry about being too far deep into the friendzone, and they often argue that if a girl wanted to kiss them then shewould’ve made the first move.
So, if you want to kiss a guy that you’ve been flirting with, lean in and kiss him. Or, you could tell him. Look him in the eye and be honest: “I really want to kiss you right now.” I’m encouraging you to be brave.
Yes, this method includes the risk of getting ~rejected~ but at least that rejection can shut off the anxiety-inducing part of your brain that constantly wonders and hopes and worries if someone is into you. So either he reciprocates the kiss with excitement or he denies it. But this denial allows you to leave the prospect of him behind and move on to the next fish in the sea — no longer wasting any mental space on someone not worth your time.
Tell him what you want.
This holds true from the getting-to-know-you stage to the consistently-having-sex stage and everything in between. We are all constantly wondering what the other person’s thinking. So, instead of hoping that your partner will always tell you what’s on their mind, tell them what’s on yours.
If you’ve been DMing someone but you want to make it a bit more official, hit them with a simple, “here’s my number (XXX) XXX-XXXX, text me!” You’re not asking them to text you, you’re telling them: making it clear that you want them to hit you up and putting the ball in their court. Even further, a direct, “I want to see you tonight” over text or a, “let’s go back to my place” at the bar, is an attractive and effective way to let a man know that you’re truly sexually interested in him. Telling a guy what you want not only exudes confidence on your end, but also makes him feel more confident himself — assuring him that he must be doing something right because you’re definitely interested.
Vocalize your desires in the bedroom.
Beyond the chase, telling men what you want is especially effective once you’re hooking up. But as women, we sometimes hesitate to do this. Perhaps this is because society often has historically rejected us when we ask for something that a man has, tells us to not be too “bossy,” and shuts down our desires.
Instead, Western culture has taught women to fulfill the desires of men, especially during sex. I have listened to this teaching myself on occasion: agreeing to pull off a condom because a guy “just won’t be able to cum with one on,” or deciding to give head for a ridiculous amount of time in an effort for the guy to finish, all because I’ve been told that if not, I could give them the dreaded blue balls. (From what I’ve heard they are the equivalent to a few minutes of moderate-to-severe period cramps that us women experience every month, and just like cramps, blue balls go away.) Don’t put a man’s orgasm before your own; if men fail to have an orgasm during sex, they will truly be okay. Women experience it all the time.
Because of this truth, I encourage women to vocalize their desires in the bedroom just as much as men do. I’ve talked to many women about this issue — from friends enjoying the casual hookup scene to friends in long-term relationships — who complain about an aspect of their sex life but don’t know how to vocalize the complaint to their partner.
For example, a friend may explain that her partner doesn’t go down on her well. Yes, it can be hard to tell someone that they’re doing something wrong down there, especially if they think that they’ve been doing just a dynamite job for a while. But if you do tell them, it’ll feel better for you, hopefully result in a (real) orgasm, turn your partner on even more, and lead to more intimate sex for both of you.
So focus on the positives by saying things like “I love when you do ___ while going down on me.” There’s also nothing wrong with re-positioning a man’s head and telling him “a little higher,” and then, “right there” to make sure that they find your goddamn clit, or saying “faster,” “slower,” “now use your thumb” to help them really get you off. People need instruction, and once you tell them what you want (which is a really attractive quality), you’ll both be happy campers.
Even further, during sex the woman doesn’t have to just be thrown around into different positions. Instead, get in the position that you want to have sex in and say things like “get behind me,” “come here,” or “I want to be on top.” Because again, sex should feel good and your preferences during sex are valid. Once you clearly vocalize your desires and they are understood by your sexual partner, you can attain more control and fulfilment from a sexual experience.
Some final thoughts:
At the end of the day, we all have an inner need to connect with others, which is perhaps why we all seek out sex in the first place. But that connection should be a two way street and women should regain some control of the road. As Alex and Sofia would say, remember to unleash your “inner daddy.”
If you’re interested in someone, slide right into their DMs. If you’re attracted to someone and you want to kiss them, make the first move and lean on in. And across all stages of intimacy, from talking, to flirting, to hooking up, to dating, tell your partner what you want.
Know your worth, take the reigns, and as a Tulane frat boy would say, “f***ing send it.” Do I follow all of these tips all the time? No, of course not. Who does? But I try to, because it’s not like all the fish in the sea will come leaping out of the water to find us this summer. We’ll have to step out onto the doc, cast our lines with determination, and know that someone will bite. Or at least that we are in a damn good position to catch them.
Cover Photo: New York Post