I never expected to be in a long-distance relationship. In fact, I recall numerous conversations among my group of friends during senior year of high school, some of us in relationships at the time, denouncing the idea all together. We deemed it “too difficult” and “unrealistic”, agreeing that the best course of action was to ride out our respective relationships until the end of the summer, at which point we would bid our former loves adieu and set off for the glamorous college dating scene, never once looking back.
It’s been sixteen months since those conversations I had with my friends, and I still haven’t gotten to the “bidding adieu” part. My boyfriend and I had planned to break up, citing that as the most responsible and rational decision, but in the final days of the summer, we began floating the infamous idea of long-distance. At that point in my life, I couldn’t even imagine myself in a long-distance relationship. I didn’t know the rules, I didn’t know the good or bad, and I had no idea what to expect.
Now, after a full freshman year of long distance, I feel like I have some of these answers. I hope that my experiences and advice can be helpful to anyone else doing (or considering doing) long-distance.
- Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s. In college, you meet so many new people and will inevitably find a lot of others doing long distance. (A 2020 survey found that 34.2% of college relationships are long-distance, so these people are everywhere.) These people are in the same boat as you, and you can bond with them over long-distance date ideas and the annoyance of time zones! But then all of a sudden the girl down the hall will tell you that she and her boyfriend call for two hours every day, and you will start to spiral because you and your boyfriend only call for one hour, so obviously that means that they’re more in love than you guys are and that your relationship sucks. The truth here is that being friends with other people doing long-distance is helpful and fun, and it only becomes a problem when you start comparing your relationship with theirs. This comparison is dangerous because it completely forsakes the fact that every person and relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean one is better or worse. Save yourself the worry and just focus on your own relationship!
- Communicate. This is one of those things that people say about relationships so much that it begins to lose its meaning, but it really is one of the most important things about long-distance. Communication is always vital in relationships, but it becomes even more important when you aren’t physically together. In person, it’s easier to spot subtle cues that your partner is upset. Maybe you jokingly insult their outfit and then they roll their eyes, maybe you keep interrupting them and it starts to get on their nerves. These things can be much more difficult to pick up on when you’re apart, making it all the more important for you to explain what you’re feeling. Don’t wait for your person to finally figure out that the thing they said last week has been annoying you ever since; be assertive. Without straightforwardness, tension and resentment can accumulate quickly, so it’s best to stop these problems before they even start.
- Be realistic and open-minded. It’s extremely likely that you won’t enjoy your time doing long distance as much as your time in person. (In fact, if you do prefer to be hundreds of miles away from your partner, I have to wonder what that says about the state of your relationship.) It’s good to acknowledge and understand that long distance is slightly less fun and slightly more work, and this way your expectations stay realistic. The distance can be challenging, and it’s essential to be open to change when necessary. This could mean making a minor adjustment within the relationship, such as adjusting the time of day you call, or even taking a step back to reassess whether long distance is right for you and your relationship. If you remain realistic and open-minded, dealing with these changes will be easier.
- Remember that your relationship is supposed to make your life better, not worse. This isn’t to say that you should never struggle or encounter hardships. In truth, persevering through difficulties is a crucial aspect of a healthy relationship. However, if your LDR is making your life miserable, that’s something to pay attention to. Distance can be tricky, but there should still be an essence of the in-person relationship you once knew. It should still make you excited and happy and fulfilled; you shouldn’t be constantly exhausted and upset.
- Trust! Without trust, a long-distance relationship simply will not work. When you’re apart, you no longer have unlimited access to your partner’s daily life. You’re only able to see what they choose to show you, and therefore, you have to have trust in their character and morality. (For this reason, doing long distance with a person who cheated on you three times or “forgot” to text you for the entire weekend may not be the best idea. Just for your peace of mind!) You have to believe that even in a room of 100 attractive people, your person would still stay loyal to you. If you don’t believe this and know it to be true, it will be immensely more difficult to enjoy your relationship. You don’t want to be constantly panicked and stressed about whether or not your partner is telling you the truth. If you can’t trust them, a healthy long-distance relationship will be nearly impossible.
- Take time away from your phone (and in turn, your partner). It may seem contradictory to the majority of long-distance advice, but in my experience, it’s better to take some space from your person throughout the day. It’s not in anyone’s best interest to spend every free moment you have texting or on a call with the person you’re dating. It can be difficult, especially when you miss them, but try to build out time in your day that isn’t for your relationship, just as you would (hopefully) do in person. You don’t want to be the person who’s constantly on their phone and missing out on all the things happening around them. You won’t be forsaking your relationship by doing this, you will actually be making it stronger. It will be much more exciting and fulfilling to talk to your partner in the evening when you haven’t been texting them every twenty minutes for the entire day.
- Enjoy your life outside of your relationship. Similar to my last point, it is imperative to create a life you love that doesn’t revolve around your partner. Of course, they can be one of the things you love about your life, but they shouldn’t be the only thing. During this time when you’re physically apart, lean into your independence! Join clubs and groups that are interesting to you, do things with friends, stay on top of your school work, and invest in yourself. If your relationship is the only thing you have going for you, it’s easy to put a lot of pressure on it to be perfect. Having other things that make you happy provides some breathing room for you and your person, and makes it possible to enjoy your life, even on difficult relationship days.
- Try to enjoy the day by day. When things get a little tough, a comforting mindset to fall into is “We just have to make it to Thanksgiving break” (or whenever you’ll see each other next). While this is an encouraging perspective, it’s best to limit these types of thoughts as much as you can. Thinking this way can easily create a sort of tunnel vision, purely focused on the future and not the present. It’s important to understand that your long distance relationship is your relationship. It’s not a holding pattern, it’s not a countdown, it’s the whole thing. The best LDRs are the ones that continue to strengthen and evolve during the distance, not ones that hold their breath until they’re physically together again.
- Be building towards something. As important as it is to find joy in the present during long distance, you shouldn’t completely abandon the idea of the future. The reason people engage in long-distance relationships is that they believe in a foreseeable future with the person they’re with. You don’t want to get to the end of four years of long distance only to discover that your partner has always wanted to move to Australia while you’ve always seen yourself in New York, or that they want to have four kids while you adamantly want to have none. Having occasional conversations with your person about where your relationship is headed and what you want your future to look like is necessary to ensure that you’re both moving in the same direction and doing long distance for a reason.
