If the summer after a year of college is “meant” for anything, it’s getting your life back together after two semesters worth of confusion. Coming out of my freshman year at Tulane, I felt like I had found part of myself while simultaneously losing another. I was coming back home with an entirely new life. New friends, new experiences and a whole new perspective on independence. However, I was also coming back realizing that I felt like a whole new person. It was like I was someone totally new shoved back into a space that might not fit me anymore, and I hadn’t yet had a handle on my new self.
So, I got to work, scouring websites for jobs, reconnecting with nature, and preparing myself for the upcoming year. Although I launched into working on myself, I couldn’t help but feel stuck.
Two questions ran through my head: how do you enjoy the “best four years of your life” while working on bettering yourself and your career? And how do you not lose yourself in the process? The dissonance of wanting to speed up and be your best self yet wanting to slow down and enjoy the process was something I couldn’t handle. That’s not to say I don’t dream big, I have plenty of high standards and goals for myself in the future, but doesn’t it feel too soon to start reaching for them? If I focus too much on the future I miss the present, yet if I focus too much on the present, I’m ill-prepared for the future.
Now, as I transition back into the school year, the call to figure out my future is even stronger. Applying for jobs, joining pre-professional clubs and reaching out via LinkedIn has been on the forefront of my mind. But whenever I sit down and take time out of my day to do so, I feel like I’m cheating my current self out of the present. Alternatively, on the days I spend going on walks, buying coffee and being with friends, I go to bed with the plaguing thought that I wasted my day. Between keeping up with my classes and spending time with my friends, there really isn’t much time for anything else, so how do I figure out what to spend my time on?
While planning my days I often find my wants clashing with each other in my calendar. I want to enjoy the day, but shouldn’t I be learning a new skill to make me stand out in applications? Typically the social battle wins the war, yet I can’t fight the guilt I feel while I pointedly ignore my computer.
For all I know, this could very well be a me problem (I’ve never been the best at being proactive), yet something I’ve realized as a teenage girl is that none of my problems are original. So if I’m feeling it, hundreds of other sophomore girls must be feeling it too. This is why I got inspired to put pen to paper and see if writing about it will help me figure it out.
By writing my emotions out, I’ve realized that I focused so much on the hard ends of the spectrum, I’ve forgotten about balance. Why do I need to choose between the things I want? Being restless should be considered a strength and not a weakness. Being productive is a range, and not every day has to be perfectly balanced. From this, I’ve decided to take the days as they come. Maybe one day I do more than the next, but there really is no need to worry.
If I’ve learned one thing from writing this article, it’s that it’ll still be here when you’re ready. The job applications will still be there, and so will the hobbies you’ve always wanted to pick up, even the hundred coffee chats you’ve scheduled. So for right now, I’ve decided to stay put and take my days as they come.
